Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Randomize
