So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
