I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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