i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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