remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
