If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
