Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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