i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
