So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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