It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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