I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We left the knife in your bed.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
