homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she peed on how many people?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
