Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize