I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
