her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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