just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
