I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
