We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
