i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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