i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
