just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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