I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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