Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
