New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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