he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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