I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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