I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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