There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You are the jesus of drinking
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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