Cold hands, warm shart.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
