I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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