Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
