I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
