Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
