Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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