my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
