Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
