My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
