Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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