he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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