the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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