...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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