ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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