so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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