He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
