i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
