just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
