Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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