i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
