meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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