Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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