Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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