I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
