I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
