i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize