Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
