the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
