i wish there were pregnant emoticons
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
