I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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